Today I accept being a loser. It's that simple. Today I realized that I have no passion to fight for what I want, what I really want ... if indeed I have to want something. I wonder now write these lines but still I do, knowing the possibility that she read it, and they may think about it, or maybe not, but even that I do not care.
Today just let it go, just like that, without hesitation and without regret: I have not even been able to fight for it, nor have I tried to get some of their affection, or feel remorse for what I decided. Moreover, someone who knew about this I wondered if you can do what I did not dare and she nodded and no more, and that makes me most angry at not having any sensation caused ... I feel strange. I'm losing by not being able to hold on someone now, I let good opportunities pass before me, almost calling me, and give them back when it is almost come and take. If I feel I have lost the force of life, that fervent flame of vitality of youth, of worldly love, the enjoyment of pleasures, and all for a mere whim that exhausted my existence. I can not fight for something beyond, I have no reason not to do so. Could make my career, my academic performance could improve, could be more sociable, and yet I would feel lonely, sad and abandoned, and it is because something else I need ... and that, to feel someone else beside me. But on the other hand it is strange contradictory and not feel like searching, out to meet him again, and it is because I am afraid, I feel lost, I feel confidence in myself ... and I feel that I have no energy to do so.
All this sounds so depressing and emo, and that is why I came to write it kept me relaxed while listening to an album by Mono, but now that I read I realize that unfortunately it does and I feel sorry to have to accept it. I laughed a lot lately, I've joked a lot and I managed to recover part of my personality, but my self-esteem is still below normal, I'm losing faith in myself, and I still do not understand what is happening with my mind and my heart. Perhaps I just make a fuss about something that maybe is not so terrible, or maybe it is and I can not say so, but it is something that has concerned me greatly and I needed to write it somewhere. Many
maybe find here the answer to the questions you never asked me, others may clarify why I am. This blog has been throughout this time one of the clearest reflections of what I think and feel, and share it using this medium is very valuable to me. I hope those who read it know how to value what people like me to convey in our words.
I hope this space will never be filled, and never this empty.
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